After church, we changed our clothes and started up to SLC. We were to meet at Goodwood BBQ up in Sandy. We didn't say much on the way. We were feeling very anxious and cautious. As we walked into the restaurant, we saw Amanda holding the baby and 3 caseworkers. As we walked up to the table, Amanda immediately stood and asked if I wanted to hold Taylor (the name she picked). Before I could even give her a hug, she had handed me the baby. All feelings of anxiety and nervousness left. I only felt...sweet. I couldn't believe that I was holding her. She was so little and absolutely beautiful. I remembering noticing how smooth her skin was and all that dark hair. Amanda was amazing. She jumped right in telling us about her eating and sleeping habits. She wasn't emotional, just talkative and friendly. Brent and I traded back and forth holding her. I don't think that either of us ate much that night.
The evening ended about 2 hours later. Amanda wanted to spend one more night with the baby, so we all went our seperate ways.The drive home was different that the drive up. We talked the whole time. We talked about how scary this was and how our lives were about to change. We also admitted, now that we had held the baby, how we would simply be crushed if Amanda changed her mind again. When we got home, we didn't move any furniture out of the guest room or stop on the way home and buy anything. I think we were still being so cautious afraid of another let down.
The next morning, we woke up and drove up to SLC. Our appointment wasn't until noon, so we decided stop at the store. At minimum we needed a carseat so we went to Babies R Us. Once again, we were pretty quiet and reserved. Most people I think would be jumping out of their skin with excitement, but we just couldn't get pass the possibility of heart break. We picked out a stroller-carseat combo and Brent set up the carseat in the backseat. Darn thing was tough to put in...or maybe we were so stressed that we just couldn't figure it out. We strapped it in as best we could and drove up to the Gateway Mall. Once up there, we sat in the sunshine and waited for the text from our caseworker letting us know how things were going. Around 11:00, Jane sent a text that read, "Amanda has signed the papers. We'll meet you in 30 minutes". We were thrilled! The next half hour took an eternity. Finally, we saw them - 2 caseworkers, Amanda and our baby. It took everything I had not to ask to hold the baby. I wanted Amanda to have her last few hours. We ate lunch at a Mexican resturaunt and once again, Amanda was very gracious. She let me hold her most of the lunch. Then it was time. Amanda had some luggage in the car for the baby so we all walked down to the parking garage together. Amanda handed Brent a few bags and then turned to me. I was not prepared for the conflict of emtions that followed. I have dreamed of having a baby of my own, but I never thought about literally taking that baby from her mothers arms. When Amanda handed me Ellie, I broke into tears. And so did she. She kept kissing Ellie on the head and saying "I love you, I love you". Brent was in tears, obviously, and we just let Amanda kiss Ellie over and over. Finally the case workers stepped in and said it was time. With Ellie in my arms, we hugged Amanda one last time, turned and walked the other way. Brent and I couldn't stop sobbing. As we left the parking garage, I kept looking back at the carseat in my car. It had finally happened. We were parents.
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